PTSD, BPD and PHP. ALL the initials apply to me

I am struggling to keep things together. I get up in the mornings and feel like I want to take on the world. I get up and dressed and ready to go. Within a couple of hours I have decided that I just want to curl back up and do nothing all day. The mood swings are fast and I can’t seem to control them. I decided to each out to my doctor and see what their thoughts are. She said that I definitely suffer from Chronic PTSD. This isn’t the first time I have heard that. I have had many trauma’s over the course. I am learning that things that I didn’t connect as trauma, actually count as trauma. It has many faces. From the abuse, to my parents divorce, to my brothers learning disabilities that took a lot of my family’s time and energy. To being a latch key kid, and so on. I will address these in other entries, but right now I want to deal with all the letters that are helping me figure out who I am and how to work to better myself and be proud of myself.

Anyways, after going through some questions she said I fit some of the parameters for BPD, also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. When I heard this, I thought of multiple personality, which it obviously is NOT. It is a mental illness that people sometimes experience mood swings, impulsive behaviors, insecurity, feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem, and sometimes struggles maintaining good healthy relationships. It also comes with other mental health issues such as depression, PTSD, anxiety or substance abuse or addictions. Thankfully, with the right combination of treatments, you can regain emotional stability.  I am on that journey.

The 3rd set of letters is PHP, or Partial Hospitalization Program. I participated in one a couple of years ago and it was absolutely awesome. I am happy to have the opportunity to participate in another one in a couple of weeks. This one will be specifically for people with trauma. I want to be able to gain some tools that will help me to maintain some stability on my own with help from my therapists and support groups.

I am finally getting a clearer picture of who I am and who I can be. I am seeing how strong I am. Actually, how strong anyone is who is willing to be open and vulnerable and admit they need help.

Be kind to yourself. Especially if you are dealing with any type of mental illness, trauma or other issues that you need help dealing with.

More on my journey later

Life keeps kicking

 So, I was soo proud and encouraged posting my story. I still am. I have had 3 people reach out to me and share their stories and say that they appreciated my story and speaking out because they never did and probably never will.

That being said, life moves on. The relatives that knew about the abuse, CHOSE to stay quiet and private. She also blamed everyone but themselves. She said that everyone knew about my grandfathers "illness" and didn't tell them. That they only found out when my dad and other aunt discussed it with them. I know that isn't true because I NEVER told anyone until a few years back. And I want to clarify that pedophilia, in my eyes, is NOT an ILLNESS!!!!!  It is a choice. If you have a compulsion, seek help. Don't hurt the children you claim to love so much. I told her that clearly there was a misunderstanding, because it was one of her kids that told me they had told her about the abuse and that was why they stopped going. But, whatever,,, they can make whatever excuses they need to to feel better about themselves.

My aunt also said that it should be kept quiet and private and in the past. That it was a painful time and my uncle cried for a week. Really??? A whole week???  I have been living with it all my life and I am sure the others affected are too.  She said that I should move on and that I have so many things to be proud of. That clearly I have persevered. And that hopefully I had people to help e through it all. (I did not have people to help until now, because I chose not to say anything until now.  I told her that I got my answers and I won't be talking to them again about it. I also told her that they may have chosen to stay quiet and private and never speak of it again, but I have chosen to speak out about it and make it known to anyone who wants to read my story. I left it at that. And she never replied again.

I was extremely angry about this encounter, but I can't control other peoples responses, only my own. I spoke to my dad and he helped me calm down. I realized that some people make everything about themselves. It didn't happen to them, it happen to us children. It isn't about them or anyone else either. It is about those of us that survived, no matter how we chose to do that.

On top of this issue, I am still working through the separation from my life partner. He had another relationship off and on over the last 4 years. He is trying in some areas but not in the areas I NEED from him. 

I am feeling at a low. I do have good moments and they are really great and then I get really down. I have been diagnosed with Chronic PTSD and depression. But I did speak to my psychiatrist and I am on the line for Borderline Personality Disorder. I am having trouble regulating my moods. I am hoping to be approved for a virtual partial hospitalization program and maybe a group more in line with what my trauma is.

Well that's enough for now. I have lots more to unpack but , one step at a time.

 

My truth, my story

I want to share something that I have held as a deep dark secret for my whole life. I am a survivor of incest and rape by a family member. I have not always been proud of it, but over the last year or two, I have learned to be proud to be a survivor of incest and rape by a family member. I have decided that it is time for me to share my story for a few reasons. First, I am proud to have gotten through it and survived it. I want to let other survivors know they are not alone and most importantly, they are NOT at fault. It is NOT their shame. And I feel that as a society, we do not talk about incest or sexual assault by family members that much. And when it is, there tends to be a stigma to it that somehow the victim should have known better and why we allowed it to happen at all.

As I begin to share my story, I am sure many people will have that response. I will not go into details because I don't feel it it's necessary for me to get my point across. I hope that by the time they are done reading, it will change how some see this horrific thing and realize how strong people are for surviving it, whether they share their own story or keep it to themselves. Everyone deals with trauma differently. Let me be the first person to say how proud I am of anyone who is a survivor of incest. If you are reading this, you have survived and to me you are courageous and strong.

As far back as I can remember, I was abused by a family member. I saw this person as a person that I should be able to trust. I didn't know that those things were wrong. I was very young and back then, we learned about stranger danger, but not incest. My abuse lasted until I was about 15-16. I know people are already thinking "why did she let it go on for so many years?" I felt the same way for a long time. And because of that, I never shared it with anyone until I was in my late 40's.

One thing that people think is that abuse happens behind closed doors and in secret. That is not always the case. And it certainly wasn't with me. As my abuser felt he had more power and control, it would happen when others were in the room. It would be while watching TV cuddled under a blanket with others. Or if we were having a family gathering at the kitchen table. I would be sitting in his lap and it would happen. For me, this was confusing. Because even though I was not comfortable, it was happening with others right there in the room or even sitting next to us. How could it be wrong if others are there and nothing is being said. As I child I didn't realize they couldn't see. I didn't say anything.

Once I realized that this wasn't ok, it was years into it and I felt so ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen, to allow it for so long and for not telling anyone. I did finally stop going to this persons house. I just said it was because I wanted to spend time with my friends from school.

I repressed a lot of the memories. It was my brains way of protecting me. I have dealt with many things in my life but this has been by far the most difficult. The memories started coming back in pieces and then one day, someone else who had experienced the same abuse by the same person reached out and asked me if I had experienced it too. It somehow helped me realize my memories were real. However, it also brought up the fact that someone had told their parents about it and they stopped bringing them to this persons house.

Even though I now knew it actually happened, I then felt, what was wrong with me that the family members that knew didn't tell my parents, so that I didn't go through it for so long. If they felt that they didn't want their kids around him, why was it ok for me. Why didn't they care enough or love me enough to say anything. Another reason I kept it to myself. To this day, I don't understand why they didn't stand up for me too.

It has taken me years to feel comfortable with myself, to feel comfortable in my own skin, to realize that it is his shame and his fault. I did nothing wrong and I did nothing to cause it. I was the child and he was the adult. I dealt with it and survived it the only way I knew how. I have spent years in therapy and never dealt with it. Now, as my life has changed, and I have grown, I realize I am strong and courageous. I have a story that needs to be told.

I am by no means an expert or a role model that people should follow my lead. I am only one person standing up, sharing and owning my truth. I will always have to deal with the repercussions of this. But I am a survivor and a fighter. And I want to be a voice for other survivors to hear me saying...

You are a survivor, strong and courageous. You are not alone, there are other people who have been through abuse. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! No one has the right to touch you inappropriately. NOBODY!! Danger is not always a stranger. It can be friends, dates or family.

I hope that if you have read my story, you have a better understanding of how incest affects people and hopefully, we can slowly change the stigma that some of us have felt. It is ok to talk about it or not. But if someone chooses to open up, realize they are victims.

I hate that word, but that it what we are. But over time, we leave the "victim" behind and become fighters and then survivors.