My truth, my story

I want to share something that I have held as a deep dark secret for my whole life. I am a survivor of incest and rape by a family member. I have not always been proud of it, but over the last year or two, I have learned to be proud to be a survivor of incest and rape by a family member. I have decided that it is time for me to share my story for a few reasons. First, I am proud to have gotten through it and survived it. I want to let other survivors know they are not alone and most importantly, they are NOT at fault. It is NOT their shame. And I feel that as a society, we do not talk about incest or sexual assault by family members that much. And when it is, there tends to be a stigma to it that somehow the victim should have known better and why we allowed it to happen at all.

As I begin to share my story, I am sure many people will have that response. I will not go into details because I don't feel it it's necessary for me to get my point across. I hope that by the time they are done reading, it will change how some see this horrific thing and realize how strong people are for surviving it, whether they share their own story or keep it to themselves. Everyone deals with trauma differently. Let me be the first person to say how proud I am of anyone who is a survivor of incest. If you are reading this, you have survived and to me you are courageous and strong.

As far back as I can remember, I was abused by a family member. I saw this person as a person that I should be able to trust. I didn't know that those things were wrong. I was very young and back then, we learned about stranger danger, but not incest. My abuse lasted until I was about 15-16. I know people are already thinking "why did she let it go on for so many years?" I felt the same way for a long time. And because of that, I never shared it with anyone until I was in my late 40's.

One thing that people think is that abuse happens behind closed doors and in secret. That is not always the case. And it certainly wasn't with me. As my abuser felt he had more power and control, it would happen when others were in the room. It would be while watching TV cuddled under a blanket with others. Or if we were having a family gathering at the kitchen table. I would be sitting in his lap and it would happen. For me, this was confusing. Because even though I was not comfortable, it was happening with others right there in the room or even sitting next to us. How could it be wrong if others are there and nothing is being said. As I child I didn't realize they couldn't see. I didn't say anything.

Once I realized that this wasn't ok, it was years into it and I felt so ashamed of myself for allowing it to happen, to allow it for so long and for not telling anyone. I did finally stop going to this persons house. I just said it was because I wanted to spend time with my friends from school.

I repressed a lot of the memories. It was my brains way of protecting me. I have dealt with many things in my life but this has been by far the most difficult. The memories started coming back in pieces and then one day, someone else who had experienced the same abuse by the same person reached out and asked me if I had experienced it too. It somehow helped me realize my memories were real. However, it also brought up the fact that someone had told their parents about it and they stopped bringing them to this persons house.

Even though I now knew it actually happened, I then felt, what was wrong with me that the family members that knew didn't tell my parents, so that I didn't go through it for so long. If they felt that they didn't want their kids around him, why was it ok for me. Why didn't they care enough or love me enough to say anything. Another reason I kept it to myself. To this day, I don't understand why they didn't stand up for me too.

It has taken me years to feel comfortable with myself, to feel comfortable in my own skin, to realize that it is his shame and his fault. I did nothing wrong and I did nothing to cause it. I was the child and he was the adult. I dealt with it and survived it the only way I knew how. I have spent years in therapy and never dealt with it. Now, as my life has changed, and I have grown, I realize I am strong and courageous. I have a story that needs to be told.

I am by no means an expert or a role model that people should follow my lead. I am only one person standing up, sharing and owning my truth. I will always have to deal with the repercussions of this. But I am a survivor and a fighter. And I want to be a voice for other survivors to hear me saying...

You are a survivor, strong and courageous. You are not alone, there are other people who have been through abuse. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! No one has the right to touch you inappropriately. NOBODY!! Danger is not always a stranger. It can be friends, dates or family.

I hope that if you have read my story, you have a better understanding of how incest affects people and hopefully, we can slowly change the stigma that some of us have felt. It is ok to talk about it or not. But if someone chooses to open up, realize they are victims.

I hate that word, but that it what we are. But over time, we leave the "victim" behind and become fighters and then survivors.