PTSD, BPD and PHP. ALL the initials apply to me

I am struggling to keep things together. I get up in the mornings and feel like I want to take on the world. I get up and dressed and ready to go. Within a couple of hours I have decided that I just want to curl back up and do nothing all day. The mood swings are fast and I can’t seem to control them. I decided to each out to my doctor and see what their thoughts are. She said that I definitely suffer from Chronic PTSD. This isn’t the first time I have heard that. I have had many trauma’s over the course. I am learning that things that I didn’t connect as trauma, actually count as trauma. It has many faces. From the abuse, to my parents divorce, to my brothers learning disabilities that took a lot of my family’s time and energy. To being a latch key kid, and so on. I will address these in other entries, but right now I want to deal with all the letters that are helping me figure out who I am and how to work to better myself and be proud of myself.

Anyways, after going through some questions she said I fit some of the parameters for BPD, also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. When I heard this, I thought of multiple personality, which it obviously is NOT. It is a mental illness that people sometimes experience mood swings, impulsive behaviors, insecurity, feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem, and sometimes struggles maintaining good healthy relationships. It also comes with other mental health issues such as depression, PTSD, anxiety or substance abuse or addictions. Thankfully, with the right combination of treatments, you can regain emotional stability.  I am on that journey.

The 3rd set of letters is PHP, or Partial Hospitalization Program. I participated in one a couple of years ago and it was absolutely awesome. I am happy to have the opportunity to participate in another one in a couple of weeks. This one will be specifically for people with trauma. I want to be able to gain some tools that will help me to maintain some stability on my own with help from my therapists and support groups.

I am finally getting a clearer picture of who I am and who I can be. I am seeing how strong I am. Actually, how strong anyone is who is willing to be open and vulnerable and admit they need help.

Be kind to yourself. Especially if you are dealing with any type of mental illness, trauma or other issues that you need help dealing with.

More on my journey later

Life keeps kicking

 So, I was soo proud and encouraged posting my story. I still am. I have had 3 people reach out to me and share their stories and say that they appreciated my story and speaking out because they never did and probably never will.

That being said, life moves on. The relatives that knew about the abuse, CHOSE to stay quiet and private. She also blamed everyone but themselves. She said that everyone knew about my grandfathers "illness" and didn't tell them. That they only found out when my dad and other aunt discussed it with them. I know that isn't true because I NEVER told anyone until a few years back. And I want to clarify that pedophilia, in my eyes, is NOT an ILLNESS!!!!!  It is a choice. If you have a compulsion, seek help. Don't hurt the children you claim to love so much. I told her that clearly there was a misunderstanding, because it was one of her kids that told me they had told her about the abuse and that was why they stopped going. But, whatever,,, they can make whatever excuses they need to to feel better about themselves.

My aunt also said that it should be kept quiet and private and in the past. That it was a painful time and my uncle cried for a week. Really??? A whole week???  I have been living with it all my life and I am sure the others affected are too.  She said that I should move on and that I have so many things to be proud of. That clearly I have persevered. And that hopefully I had people to help e through it all. (I did not have people to help until now, because I chose not to say anything until now.  I told her that I got my answers and I won't be talking to them again about it. I also told her that they may have chosen to stay quiet and private and never speak of it again, but I have chosen to speak out about it and make it known to anyone who wants to read my story. I left it at that. And she never replied again.

I was extremely angry about this encounter, but I can't control other peoples responses, only my own. I spoke to my dad and he helped me calm down. I realized that some people make everything about themselves. It didn't happen to them, it happen to us children. It isn't about them or anyone else either. It is about those of us that survived, no matter how we chose to do that.

On top of this issue, I am still working through the separation from my life partner. He had another relationship off and on over the last 4 years. He is trying in some areas but not in the areas I NEED from him. 

I am feeling at a low. I do have good moments and they are really great and then I get really down. I have been diagnosed with Chronic PTSD and depression. But I did speak to my psychiatrist and I am on the line for Borderline Personality Disorder. I am having trouble regulating my moods. I am hoping to be approved for a virtual partial hospitalization program and maybe a group more in line with what my trauma is.

Well that's enough for now. I have lots more to unpack but , one step at a time.